Thursday, January 9, 2014

I'm Back

Well, as you might have noticed, I deleted my past posts.    I admit, I did this in the midst of a heated moment, and would probably regret it if I only stopped to think, as I have regretted so many things the past year of my life.

I regret letting my marriage slide downhill the way it did, and not putting my foot down and arguing more with my ex-husband.    Too many times over the 10 years we were married, I didn't say no, and then other times, meekly held my peace, and eventually withdrew into a turtle-like state and ignored life completely.    I isolated myself from friends and family to the point where I lost a lot of people I cared about, including my Ex, whom I loved incredibly deeply.    I was miserable, and instead of seeking help, counseling, etc., I ran away.    And I ran even further.  

Which brings us to now.   I'm in Canada.   Well, Canada is all fine and dandy, especially in the spring and summer.    Fall and winter suck though.    Its COLD.    But its a different kind of cold.    In Tennessee, the cold would get into your bones and you would just ache.   Well, that's because of the humidity.   I have no humidity here.    Its dry.   I once joked that this is probably the only place in the world that I could be standing in running water, in the shower, and have my skin still feel dry to the touch.    This isn't the kind of dry cold that makes my bones ache; its the kind that makes me cough my head off every day, wake up every single morning with a bloody nose, and just makes me miserable in general because there is literally NOTHING TO DO DURING THE WINTER.  

Oh yeah, I could learn to ski or ice skate if I were a decade younger.    At age 49 though, I am hesitant to submit myself to that torture.    Did I mention that menopause has fully begun?    Yeah, I haven't had a period since I came back from visiting my family in the states in October, 2 months ago.    I don't know whether it is from stress or whether its just nature telling me that it is my time.    So I've got that whole "mourning my youth" thing going on as well as the "I'm bored out of my mind because snow is ass-deep outside" and the "what the hell was I thinking by moving from Tennessee to Calgary Alberta?" conversation.

Topic #1 - mourning my youth.    Yes, there is a TON of things that I did that I am proud of, but there was so much more that I could have done.    There is still a tiny window of time to do it, but I just have to find the impetus to get me going again.    At one point in my life, I thought my Ex would be there with me, and it was so exciting to think of all the things we were going to do together.   But then I noticed that he was criticizing the very things that we would have enjoyed together in the bloom of our love.    For instance, we went to Biltmore House, a lovely place in North Carolina.    Instead of noticing the majesty and remembering a time where families could have such beautiful things, he spent our visit pointing out the shabbiness of certain areas.   Well, the furnishings are over a hundred years old, but I never saw that - instead I saw them as they would have been in the heyday of the mansion.  

It was to have been a trip that brought us closer together, but it only accentuated for me the differences that were there.   And of course, he was there for the obligatory sex at the end of a date.    Why is it that men always have to expect everything to end in sex?   That was a big bone of contention in our marriage, and it has scarred me now.    I don't want sex anymore, and I don't think its just because of my age; I honestly think its because my Ex made such a big deal out of it.    I remember him distinctly telling me once that if I didn't give him sex on a regular basis, he would find it outside the marriage.   What?   What kind of husband tells his wife that???    Grrr....

But this isn't about my failed marriage, its more about the opportunity that I missed to grow during that time.   I missed out on family outings and doing things in the SCA because he didn't want to go.   I don't want to die thinking of the things I missed.    I want to remember the things I did, and challenge any who come after me to top that.   

Which brings us to Topic #2 - Boredom.     Yes, I'm incredibly bored here.   I've tried to go out and do things, but it all boils down to money.    I have none.   I am not allowed to work here for at least another year.   Does this mean I need to go back to Tennessee?   Maybe.   Probably.    Am I going to?   Well, that depends on a lot of things which I am not going to go into in this first post.   Again, though, moving would take a lot of money, which I don't have.   And I dislike the idea of asking family and friends to help me move if things don't work out here.   :(

Topic #3 is plain and simple.    I was thinking that by moving myself as far away from my Ex as I could that my life would revert back to my being myself again, and loving myself.   Well, that didn't happen.   You can't outrun yourself.   Ever.    My life here isn't bad, but it definitely isn't optimal.   I have no friends here outside of the Dixons, and that bothers me.   I have had lots of friends in Tennessee for years.   I miss them incredibly.   I miss my family even more.  

So what's a girl to do?    Well, for now, I can't do much.   But I can blog about it and try to get it all straight in my head before just running, like I did before.    Here I am world.   I'm back.