What a day, What a day

I just can't help feeling a little overwhelmed these days....

To begin, my doctor found a lump in my right breast. Since I had been given a mammogram that same morning, he waited until he got those results before giving a determination. Well, there was NOTHING there. So he sent me to a breast surgeon for a second opinion, who does another mammogram and an ultrasound. Whoo, boy. Again, NOTHING. Then begins the process of deciding what to do next. She recommended an MRI, so I gave her permission to set it up. When they called me, however, they had set it up in Powell...two cities away from where I work. Not only that, but they set it up in the freaking middle of the day. So I called back and asked if there was another time or another hospital, as I did not wish to take a full four hours leave from work just for a test that probably wouldn't show anything.

Man, you'd have thought that I'd asked something completely impossible! The nurse became so huffy, that I thought I was going to have to break out the taser. She insisted that the hospital she had chosen was the ONLY one that had a breast MRI machine (a lie, because my middle sister had breast cancer, and I know for a fact she had all her tests in Maryville). She wouldn't even hear of moving it to another day or time, either. So I did what all good little patients do, I called my gynocologist and griped to him about the other doctor's office's lack of consideration for their patients. Not only had the breast surgeon offended me, she still had not talked to my primary gyno about her recommendations or sent him the test results! So they got huffy along with me. I absolutely adore my gynocologist's office staff, by the way.... I've been going to them for almost two decades now. His nurse, Kristi, arranged a different hospital (less than five minutes from my house) and a much earlier time, necessitating me to only be late to work by about an hour, not have to take off a half day. LOVE THEM!

However, now I'm worried about BCBS paying for the service. I mean, if three tests show nothing, the insurance might decide this is unnecessary and deny payment. My husband and I aren't made out of money, and an MRI will be between $3000 and $5000. But if I don't have it, and there really IS something in my breast.... I'm so confused that I'm sick at my stomach over this.

And that's not all that's gone on in my life lately. Not by half. I look around my house and see the minor repairs (nothing is really all that major, but there's lots of little things that need attention), and I just feel despair because although I know my husband is there for me, I tend to view these kinds of things as MY responsibilities. For instance, the downstairs shower faucet is only giving cold water (Papa Bear fixed it, but only halfway), so I need to do a minor adjustment to it; the upstairs bathroom sink faucet needs new rings put in; the gutters need cleaning out because the water is overflowing and has now damaged the soffit near our bedroom window; the yard needs it's annual maintenance done; the lawnmower needs to be tuned by a professional because it sounds funny; the cars need maintenance, and I'm just OVERWHELMED. And my husband wonders why I'm so spastic and crazy. All these things are in the back of my mind piled on top of the health woes I have been having.

And talking about health, let's not mention the weight that I have gained or that my husband has gained, making it difficult for us to even DO these repairs, let alone have a normal happy relationship as man and wife. I swear, it hurts to walk sometimes, and it just drives me insane that even IF I had the money to do all the things I want, I don't have the HEALTH to implement them. And I know my darling hubby feels the same way about his weight. Both of us have been very bad the past few years, and relationships have become...strained...for both of us. We used to be such a happy couple, with lots of projects that we were going to do together around the house. Now it's come home, play on the computer, watch TV and go to sleep. Every day. And everything is suffering for it.

I hate circles, and I'm in the middle of one.....

Monday Blahs

Well, it's Monday. And not a particularly exciting one. There's something about not having slept well that makes for a crappy day at work the following morning. And given that said sleepless night was due to a freaking text message with no real explanation...well...you get the gist of my discomfiture.

The weekend was alright up to the text message, I guess. Had a bit of a downslide with the death of a first cousin, but we hadn't seen each other in five years, so it wasn't as much of a shock as it could have been. Then my husband, wonderful man that he is, distracted me with Halloween decorations, and I went into "ooo, shiny" mode and forgot myself for a little while.

Yesterday was spent making more Halloween decorations with paper mache. (www.stolloween.com remember?) LOVE that website. I hope to have pictures up soon!

Short post, I know, but I'm not really in the mood to type. Later...

Almost Forgot

Heh-heh. Thought I almost forgot I had a blog, didn't you? Nope, I didn't. I just forgot to post anything for A VERY LONG WHILE. LOL

How's life, you ask? Pretty darned good, considering all the crappola going on in the world. Gas prices hit over $5.00 with Hurricane Ike recently. Yeah, I'm sure lots of people called and complained because they're going down a lot faster than they had previously with the last hurricane to hit Texas. I like that. But it does still anger me that they're not going back to where tehy were just a year ago. Seems like they intended it that way. "We'll raise the prices SO HIGH, that when we lower them just a little bit, they'll be grateful and we'll just rake in the moolah...." Stupid oil companies.

Husband and I are doing well. He's just as fantastic as ever. Loving, kind, playful...still incredibly stressed and sometimes a pain, but aren't we all? And I'm sure he thinks I'm no angel. I'm positive of it in fact. ^_^

Halloween's coming up and I'm SO excited!!! Found this incredible website: http://www.stolloween.com/ that has the best instructions for paper mache pumpkins EVER. I've already started a pumpkin, a gargoyle and a ghost for Halloween NEXT year. Yeah, this year's going to be low-key, but next year, I'm going all out for a stupendous Halloween party. The theme's going to be Steampunk next year. This year, it's villains. Just villains. Nothing fancy. Hubby's going as a mad scientist; I'm going as Madame Mim from Disney's Sword in the Stone. Yes, I'm too tall, and no, I don't weigh enough, but there's a lot that can be done with padding. The height they'll just have to forgive. So I'll be her big sister, Madame Mimsy. ^_^ Eh, what can you do? There really are very few female villains to choose from. Disney has the most. Makes you wonder what his real opinion of women was, eh?

But anyway, this year, I'm making lots of gadgety stuff to compliment the hubby's scientist theme, and next year, they'll be re-worked to look "steampunk." What's steampunk, you ask? Think Victorian with the coolest toys. Like Ray Guns! And Airships. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, the Time Machine, and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. It should be a blast!!! I wish every day was Halloween. Too many other holidays get wrapped up in symbolism and religious hooplah. Halloween is just plain fun. Yes, I know it has deeper roots, and yes, I know it can be considered a pagan holiday, but for Pete's sake, people RELAX. Kids see it as a chance to get candy, dress up and be spooked, not for any other reason than this. Adults should all learn to see again through a kid's eyes. They'd be the better for it, I'm sure.

Jealousy hit when my friends Miklos and Liz went to Scotland for an entire MONTH. Wish I could afford to do that. Not yet, but someday, I'm yanking my hubby to Ireland and Wales. You can keep Scotland. I don't really have an interest there. Nor to go to England, really. But Ireland and Wales are two countries I've always wanted to go visit. Beautiful places....

And it's time for lunch, people. I'm so hungry, that the keyboard is resembling licorice....

Later!

What a slacker....

Yeah, I know, I'm an incredible slacker. Here I start a blog, and then I forget to write anything. Yes, I forgot. Literally. There's been that much happening around the house lately. ^_^

First, I had to re-work several of my flowerbeds, because all the bulbs for some reason, washed to one end or the other during the rains. So, when the hostas started sprouting, I had to dig them up, re-locate them, and am praying they don't all die now. Then, I had to weed the other nine flowerbeds, plant three rosebushes that were gifted unto me, and remove poison ivy from the long flowerbed that runs the length of my backyard. Now I've got poison ivy on my right wrist, in between my breasts (I sleep with my arm crosswise there), and on my stomach.

Then, we had to have a tree removed from our backyard that was menacing the house. If anyone ever has to have a tree removed, contact your local utility company and see who they recommend. It might save you a bundle of money. One of my neighbors works for the local utility company, and he and a friend took down this huge tulip poplar for over $600 less than anyone else. Without having to drive a huge cherry-picker truck into my backyard. AND they cut it up for me. AND ground out the stump. So if you call the utility company, maybe they can hook you up with someone like my neighbor!

Add to that the ongoing gas crisis, food prices going through the roof, and other people in general just pissing me off on a daily basis, and I've been pretty busy. And I've recently found out something unique in my area. Know about the Tax Incentive Rebate (who doesn't)? Well, if you have filed for bankruptcy, the local trustee is going to give you a PART of your Tax Incentive rebate, but she's going to hold onto your total tax return next year - the whole amount, in addition to the part of your tax incentive that she's keeping. So you know what most people are going to do? They're going to take that rebate and stick it into the bank, because they're not going to get anything else for awhile to offset the skyrocketing prices, that's what! I'm not sure if this is going on in other states or not, but the trustees should be ashamed of themselves. People work hard, fall into trouble, be it for medical reasons, a farm gone bust, or whatever; then they have to devote a huge chunk out of their paycheck each week, live on a fixed income for four to five years, have a country-wide economic crisis causing severe problems, and what do they do? Dangle a carrot in front of your nose, and tell you this is going to fix your problems this year, but they're taking all of your carrots next year in repayment of it. Is that even legal???? Someone should really look into that to see if they can do that. I'm all for paying people what they're owed when they're owed it (heck, I paid off my student loans years before they were due), but I also believe that if the government gives you something to stimulate the economy, you shouldn't cause anyone financial pain in the long run to make up for it. That only defeats the purpose of the tax incentive checks. People just CAN'T spend money if they're told they are going to pay for it later. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out.

Life just keeps getting harder and harder for people, and I'm not sure how it's all going to turn out. All I know is, I'm keeping my camping gear handy, and some emergency supplies stashed. If I have to use them, I'll be okay.

Tuesday

Well, another day has come and gone. Not too shabby, actually. Spent the day very busy. Dreaming about the weekend already. ^_^

Speaking of weekends, last Saturday the hubby and I travelled to Gray, TN to see the ETSU Gray Fossil site. Wow. Just wow. They were widening the road up there and discovered soft black earth, and then subsequently bones. Lo and behold, they were DINOSAURS. So far, they've uncovered a sabre-toothed tiger, a prehistoric rhino, several prehistoric tapirs and other things. All from the Miocene era. It's apparently a 150 foot sinkhole that swallowed animals at random. One of the guides there stated that it would probably take 100-200 years to dig it all out. Absolutely fascinating! Of course, the reason we were there on that particular weekend was to see Sue, the T-Rex they have on loan. It's just awe-inspiring to look down the throat of a T-Rex. The museum they have erected on-site is really well laid out and a joy to look through. The first floor was divided up into the exhibits, T-Rex area and gift shop. Upstairs were the labs where the scientists were actually working on the bones they had exhumed from outside. Leaving from the 2nd floor found you on the observation deck, where a guide pointed to several tents and told you about the work being done under each one of them. And then they let you go and talk to the people working on the dig itself. The best part is May starts their dig season, and anyone 18 or older can volunteer to be a part of it. How many times in YOUR lifetime can you say you helped dig dinosaur bones from the earth? ^_^ Betcha not many. I know I'll be going back. Probably a few more times, just to see what new things they've uncovered.

Here's a link for anyone who's interested: http://www.grayfossilmuseum.org/

And if anyone wants to find out more about Sue, check out her permanent home at the Field Museum in Chicago: http://www.fieldmuseum.org/SUE/

Life Stinks Sometimes

Again with the arguing. I get so tired of arguing all the time, you know? Last night my husband and I had another one. So I ended up at the best friend's house drinking wine and commiserating with her. Both our lives stink, even though they're vastly different. She makes 3 and a half times what I make (wow), but yet has to endure not having any money to call her own because her husband controls all of it. She doesn't have access to any of the documentation to know what the heck is going on in her own life. I, however, make very little in the way of moolah, but at least my husband shows me where it goes. He does the bills, not by my choice, but because he actually does it better. But he complains bitterly about it, and I wish he would just let me do it again, just to keep him happy. He's never happy. I'm rarely happy anymore either. My therapist told me that things would change while I saw him. Yeah, they are, but not in a good way. I see now how destructive some of the things are that go on around me. And I don't like it. Not one bit. My self esteem is at an all-time low, and fighting all the time with my husband doesn't help that. Nothing I ever do seems to be right in his eyes, so I am officially giving up trying. Let the dice fall where they may. It may make us grow and become a better couple. It may end in divorce. At this point, I really just want to go to sleep and not wake up anymore. I am just tired. Tired of everything. Life shouldn't have to be this hard and this empty. That was the reoccuring theme of last night's conversation with my friend. "Why does life suck rocks?" It shouldn't. But it does.

Another Day in Paradise (part deux)

Well, it's Tuesday. That's about the gist of it. Tonight, though, I'm going to go home and play in my garden(s). Although there's some times I could cheerfully strangle the previous owner of my house for having 10 flower gardens installed around the property, it does give me something to putter with. I have managed to weed and fertilize half of them. Now for the other half. Last night I even managed to sew a bed of Alyssum, Carpet of Snow. ^_^

Gardening is one of the few things I find extremely therapeutic after a long day at the office. Sometimes my job is extremely tedious, but I always relax once I'm outside, smelling the fresh air and listening to the wind through the trees (my yard borders the back end of a forest). I don't even mind the acorns that I find in the gardens, as I know if the squirrels don't reclaim them, they'll eventually end up as compost nummies for the future generations of plants.

Being among the flowers is also a way for me to forget that the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Honestly, so much is happening in the world around us that I can't control, prevent or even help with that it gets to be downright depressing most days. I have a very high empathic sense, so when I'm around a situation that I can't do something about, I get very nervous, sad, depressed, and have even been known to cry for other peoples' problems that I can't solve. So many of my family lately have been in the hospital that I feel just washed out. Friends are losing jobs left and right due to the economy. My husband and I are barely scraping by, but we're making it alright compared to a lot of our friends. Again, hell in a handbasket. And a paper one at that.

So I garden. Lots and lots of gardening this summer. My husband and I have an odd relationship: he does the indoor stuff (cleaning), and I do the outdoor stuff. He has some really odd allergies to whatever grows in the air in Tennessee, so is more comfortable indoors. He does occasionally have to come manhandle something or other for me (hey, I AM a woman and thereby lack the strength sometimes). For instance, I am constantly amazed at his strength. He and I wrestle occasionally, and he picks me up, scaring the crap out of me, but when I'm watching him tear apart a timber flower bed and pick up and carry several landscaping timbers STILL NAILED TOGETHER into a mini-wall down to the end of the yard, it never ceases to make me just stop and go...WOW. There's a reason he's still called a Giant. And I'm just a ferret. ^_^